


Hurting

by lulu_lumin00



Series: Lulu's story [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Gen, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, POV First Person, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-15
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2019-07-12 16:07:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15998699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lulu_lumin00/pseuds/lulu_lumin00
Summary: Hatred hurts. Silence hurts. Trust hurts. Betrayal hurts. Dream hurts. I can't stop hurting.





	Hurting

Hatred hurts. Silence hurts. Trust hurts. Betrayal hurts. Dream hurts. I can't seem to stop hurting.

Lulu, Lydia, Natalya, Ruru, Talia, Illi and others.

I don't even know myself why I create those names. I had always hated myself so much for as long as I can remember.

Hate the face, the eyes, the nose, the lips, the chin, the hair. Hate my moles, my marks, my fat, my height, my shape. Hate my voice, my writing, my habits. 

Practically everything. You can say that.

I hated being called by my name. I hated I can't do more. I hated I can't give more. I hated I can't live more.

I hated these thoughts running in my head. How I don't have anyone to trust because I can't trust myself. I hated that I hate someone else because I hate me.

The hatred burn, burn and burns inside. Clawing it's way out. I scream, scream, scream in silence. The voice never gets out. I had always been chided for being too loud. When they didn't know that the voices inside are louder. Draining me. Drowning me.

I had never loved myself. As long as I can remember. I give all my heart to others. Hoping to be recognised. But it's just a fool's dream. I love and I love and I love and my heart died. It hurts and it hurts and it hurts and it still does.

Silence.

It's deafening. But it's too silent.

Love yourself they say. Only then can you love others. 

What should I do?

There's only hatred for myself.

Once I did. With others whispering to my ears, I cherished me. But then the sandglass broke. It was blown by the wind those words. And I broke further beyond repair.

I was betrayed. But it was so easy for me to trust again. To believe, it's okay to give your trust this time. It's okay. Only to have that trust stomped on. Again and again and again. It's a cycle with no end. Even Merry-go-round stops. But my hurting never stops.

What should I do? I'm a coward I couldn't take my own life. I wanted to live but living is hurting everyday. Deeper and deeper into the dark abyss.

I used to dream big. I was full of hope back then. But that hope was ripped away from me. Daring me not to dream. Because dream hurts when they are far-fetched. It seems so near yet it was so far. It was within my reach but it was crushed to dust. And I became afraid to dream.

Because it's another cycle of trust and betrayal. By others or by myself. I was a fool to believe that I am allowed to dream. A beggar's dream will never make him rich. But it hurts so much, not being able to dream. After all the only thing I get for free in this four walls cage is imagination. 

I remember back then when I allowed my imagination to run wild and free. Every pages in every book became a theatre for me. I can see everything by its essence and more. I allowed myself to dream and dream and dream. Don't be afraid of falling if you want to fly I told myself. But my wings were ripped from my back when I tried to fly.

And I stopped trying. I lose hope. My wings grow. But they become useless. Paralysed from fear and crushed dreams and hope. It was in front of me that dream. It was one blink away. I tried, I tried so hard to spread my wings. Try to flap them hard. Thry to grab that hope in front of me. But it was snatched from me that hope. And I was forced to watch it burn in front of my eyes. My wings, yet again, was ripped from me. No mercy was given. I was wounded. No one tended to the scars. And the scars etched deep in my flesh. 

And the lion became a rat. The knight became a fool. The falcon lost its talon. The cat lost its claws. I cower at every noises. Pushing every strangers. Rejecting every known and unknown. Scarred so bad the smile is lost. The laugh gone missing. Washed away by the tides of reality. My face was void from emotions. There's no more tear left even. And dreaming starts to hurt. 

I don't dare to dream. Because the dreams I made had been snatched. Crushed to oblivion. I'm afraid to dream again. For that will be taken away from me too. I can't trust nobody, not even myself. For I've been betrayed by others and by myself.

Hatred hurts, yes. But I burn in it.

Silence hurts, yes. But I became mute and deaf.

Trust hurts, yes. But my heart is so easy to give.

Betrayal hurts, yes. But I'm shackled to reality.

Dream hurts, yes. But I don't want to stop dreaming. 

Hoping I'll be free. Hoping I can cry, I can smile, I can sulk, I can do whatever I want to do. Explore what I want to explore. Experience what I want to experience. Feel what I want to feel. Hold what I want to hold. Taste what I want to taste. Cherish everything. Every passing moments. To be free...

 

Help. 

 

.

 

.

 

 

 

Help.


End file.
